when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
