I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
