I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
