champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
