how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
