Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
