someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
