I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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