Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
