Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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