New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
