oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
