The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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