I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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