apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
