He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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