OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
