The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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