This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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