farters have to be the big spoon...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
