I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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