Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
