Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
