If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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