All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
