Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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