just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Randomize
