Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
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