I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
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He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
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I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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