im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
