Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
