Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
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