I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
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The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
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So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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