a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
