What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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