i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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