I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
