just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
