found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
