i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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