I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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