My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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