Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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