I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
