oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
