god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Randomize
