I puked a lego.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
