There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
