I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
