My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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