you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
A bitchslap is in order.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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