i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
