Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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