I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
