i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
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Deaf chicks here I come
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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