if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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