Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
